First of all: this is the first time I've ever done something like this but I really just can't take it anymore. I'm so confused about my life and I don't know where to go.
My most pressing problem is my abusive mother. She gave up on me a long time ago and it still fucking hurts, knowing she doesn't care about me. She just hits me and screams at me for the littlest things and I can't handle it. I'm going crazy. My dad doesn't do shit, he just lets it happen because he's too scared to really do anything anyways. She didn't used to be like that though, she only became a monster because of my stupid little sister. She went on meds for a long time because of that little devil, and she fucked up everything. It's her fault that my mom loves her more than me. I don't care if that sounds bad, I just hate her.
I've tried killing myself before, but for some reason it never seems to work out. The strange thing is that I don't even know why sometimes, I just don't want to be here. I've accepted that my mom will never love me again, but I guess I just hate living.
I'm stuck in a relationship where I'm not happy anymore but I don't want to leave because I'm scared they'll kill themselves. I feel so heartless. Do I put my own happiness first or their life? It should be an easy answer, right? Obviously I should stay with them but I… can't help but consider breaking up with them.
I'm insecure about EVERYTHING about myself; quite frankly I hate myself. I wish I was my crushes friend because she's gorgeous and not fucked up and annoying like I am. I'm scared that nobody in my friend group actually likes me, despite them putting up with me for a few months. But there's a reason everyone leaves me and it's my fault. I just wish I could change everything about myself. Even when the rare times come along where I feel kinda pretty in the morning, I see other people and then myself in the mirror and I just think "ugly. disgusting. failure. stupid. annoying. bitch. fat. you should die." I don't talk to people about this because I don't want them to think I'm trying to get attention from them; something like that's already happened in the group.
I also have a crush on a boy in my grade…. but I don't even know whether to call it that… but he makes me feel happy and safe. We haven't really known each other long but I just wanna be close to him. I don't think he returns the feelings though… he's friends with a really pretty girl who's way more pretty than me, she has a better body, and probably a better personality… a girl can dream. I guess I feel the need to be around him…? He probably finds me annoying just like everyone else in the group does.
I'm really sensitive to sex because I've been raped before. I know, bombshell, right? I don't know what else to add to that… but yeah.
I guess typing this all out has made me feel better, so maybe I'll do more of these. If you've gotten this far, thank you for wasting your time on me.