i shouldnt even need to rant. my parents are married. i am relatively healthy. i have all the resources i need to succeed.
yet i cant motivate myself to get anything done. even writing this is a chore. i've resigned myself to a dangerous attitude in which i accept anything that happens because i deserve it.
a B in chemistry? yeah. i deserved that. i dont make an effort in the class.
a C in calculus? yeah. im not as smart as my parents are. nor am i as motivated as they want me to be.
no true friends? yeah. i dont read as often as i should and i cant get cultural references. i am awkward. i am desperately needy. i am a brat. self-loathing is an obligation. lethargy is a drug.
i keep on tearing out pages in my journal, wanting to start new. and every time i start fresh, i find myself a reason to give up.
i truly, truly despise myself.