There's something about me that makes me expendable.
I don't know what it is; but all I know is, four times (possibly more) I have been taken advantage of, lead on, and used in some way. After the first time, I spiralled into depression. After the second time, I just said that was life. When I finally realized what happened the first two times, I said "never again." It's happened at least twice since then, with people I'd trusted with parts of myself that I'd never shown anyone.
And part of why it makes me so angry and upset is that it's a trend. Once, twice even, it's just something that happens. But it keeps happening to me. So it must be me, right? There must be something wrong with me, because I've been at uni for over six months now and don't have a single real friend. The only people who give a damn about me are the ones who are obligated. I am so far away from home and people who love me it hurts. And I can't even cry properly because someone will hear and get an RA, and the only thing worse than crying alone is crying with someone whose job it is to care.
And I am severely depressed. Not even a year ago I was in the hospital because I tried to throw myself off a cliff. And part of me can't help but think I rushed into this without allowing myself time to recover. I left the hospital and went straight to my graduation ceremony, where I was friends with no one. The only people I was friends with, I've either barely spoken to since then, or were the ones who hurt me.
I'm also anxious to hell and back. Gut-wrenchingly, paralyzingly anxious and terrified of failing and being a disappointment, because it is all I've managed for so long. Because yes, I'm depressed, I'm anxious, but I am doing my best.
But my best isn't enough. It's never been enough. I don't think it's ever going to be enough.
I'm trying. I'm trying really, really hard, because I don't want to die, I want to live, I want to thrive. But it feels like everything is stacked against me and I can't get my bearings for even a second before SOMETHING comes along and whips my feet out from under me again. I broke up with my partner, who I'd barely spoken to in weeks because he "needed space," the day after getting nothing on valentine's day, and he said he was relieved. I was inundated with administrative issues involving housing and my emotional support rats, on the one week when I had NO emotional energy left to deal with it after just sitting up in bed. I am so desperately lonely, but I have no idea how to make friends.
And besides, it's too late. Friend groups are already established, long since, because for EVERYONE ELSE six fucking months is more than enough time to form basic human connections. Now, if I try to talk to people, I look like a fucking freak. I'm not wanted.
I've never been wanted.
I just wanna be wanted.