I'm so fucking done and I just want to vomit black anger and hate and sadness into the world. I tried to hold it in for so long because I was raised by an emotionally manipulative mother who taught me that bad feelings make bad things happen. So I tried to stay positive, I tried not to let myself get angry or at least not show it. I tried to only be sad by myself but I can't take it anymore because now, as an adult, I don't know how to deal with these feelings without hurting someone so I guess I might as well try just yelling into the void of the internet.
Let's start with today. Today was my third day working for a high end boutique tailor on the UES in NYC and I was just fired. I spent my first day shadowing a girl who'd only been there two weeks, received no manual, then was expected on day two to know where everything was, run the office, handle clients I didn't know, and read the owners mind. Additionally, I was expected on day two to do all of this WHILE running an hour behind because I had to take a belt twenty blocks away because the stupid seamstress who fixed it didn't deliver it. SO I WAS PUNISHED FOR BEING BEHIND SCHEDULE BECAUSE I HAD TO FIX SOMEONE ELSES MISTAKE?? Fuck that! I knew by the end of day 2 it wasn't a good fit but when I tried to talk to my mom and say I'd just had a bad day I was told to suck it up, she's been dealing with worse for decades and I'll just go in and do better tomorrow. I cried because she made me feel guilty for feeling tired and frustrated. But I still went in today early, got all my work done and made coffee for everyone. I worked hard, I tried to stay positive, I greeted everyone and then, when the owner got there, I was taken off the desk and sent to the back to fold fabric, not organize fabric, just fold it in no particular order. I was hired to be a receptionist and social media manager and spent a total of 6 hours over the course of 3 days folding fabric. The hour or so before I was told I "wasn't a good fit" I was sticking pins into a cushion until my fingers were sore. I never took a lunch break or a bathroom break. I did what was asked of me and tried to go above and beyond at a job I hated but desperately needed. After two years of jumping from job to job this feels like the lowest point.
I want to die. I'm not suicidal but I want to just get hit by a car or have my apartment building get hit by a plane. I'm 5k in credit card debt because of my spotty employment and I haven't even hit 25 before my credit is obliterated. I tried to be smart, kind and a hard worker and it hasn't helped. So fuck it. I'm spewing accrid hate into the void of the internet.
Thanks and go fuck yourselves.