everyday is the same and i hate it. i hate my life to the point of where sleeping is my only coping mechanism. i cant do much. i want to hurt myself but i dont have the willpower to do so. i dont want people to stare. why are they staring? will staring at it help ease off the pain? will it make them go away? what will asking whats wrong do? why would i vent to someone i dont know? what kind of question is do you want to talk about it? no. i walk and walk and walking just gets me so far. the evreyday classes. useless, fucking pointless. everythings on repeat. i hear the murmurs and chatting off the lunchroom. they're all staring, my soul says. i hate them and everything in there. my music doesnt go far enough to break my fucking skull. it just makes the whole experience louder everyday. i hate it. i hear him talking to his friend while grasping my hand. i love his touch but his words tell another story. i dont know him. i feel like a stranger. what happened? how can i be in love with a stranger that im with? why dont people tell the truth. and im afraid to ask sometimes. yes, yes i know you do. you do answer everybody else but me. initiation is at my brink point and i want to be done with it, its tiring. but i love you. your heartfelt words ease the gap in my fucking soul but your actions say nothing. do you even try? i confront and i confront and i confront but how do you think im feeling. why do you think im asking. i miss you, thats why. those things i found out, you mentioned, i didnt know that. months later and now you tell me, you wanted me that bad that you didnt say anything. i feel distant from your life and i hate that. please stay and fucking love me. your words are similar to hot water. its smooth but fucking burns my throat. why dont you know. you're not there for me. do you even catch a glimpse? im tired of it. these thoughts are one of the things thats killing me, and youre another. do you even try? were you there to hold me when i was crying every night? no, but my pillow was. were you there when i couldnt even breathe? no, and you didnt even notice me walking away fast to get far from the reasons. you werent there for me but i dont even think you konw whats happening to me. dont be surprised when you see the result. but i dont know whats thats going to be either. time can go as to far from now or later, but i feel it everyday. just like you. do you have the time for me? do you want to be with me? why are you lying? why wont you answer? what are you doing? do you even love you? why havent you called? why havent you visited? why are you lying. rhetorical. if you love me like you say you do then fucking act like it. im not saying dedicate your life or time for me, but give me a part of it. i want you affection, your time, your words, your touch, and you, but i want you to want it the same. do you? where did it go wrong along the lines? why did everything change. we still exchange i love yous. we still wrap our lips, entwined with each other. we still hold each other. but when is is just us?