Yea, I like being alone.
I enjoy the time I get to spend with myself.
But when I do, it leads to so many dark thoughts that just randomly occur into my head..
One night I decided to just stay up for the heck of it, and as I stayed in the dark, after a while I had to cry so badly.
After crying my ass off during winter break, I came back to school for the first day after it, and simply sat in my spot ready for class.
I felt like shit but carried on.
My friend tapped my shoulder so I turned over, and her stare lingered on my face, only to straight up say "… You look really depressed, are you okay?"
I didn't know how to answer, because honestly I don't know.
I don't know if I'm happy, I don't know if things would be better if I just cut ties with everything.
Since that day, she hasn't mentioned it since.
I can't even smile or laugh. It's all fake.
Everything is a distraction, and one day at school I had a silent breakdown
I was already sick, but during first period I touched my face and realized I was crying. It stays that way the whole day.
I cried during lunch and my other friends were all worried.
I said I had joint pain so they wouldn't worry.
Me and my friends, we hide things from each other. We tell lies so things can be left unsaid. We say we're close, but honestly, we're so far apart.
This is bullshit.
And my paranoia always gets the best of me.
There's always this feeling that someone is out to get me.
And I have a reason for this: someone really is out to get me.
I've had drinks poured on me, I've been hit many times, and I've been called horrible things behind my back and indirectly in front of me.
I don't want to continue this.
I'd like to start over somewhere far and not tell anyone where I'm going or if I'm alive.