Almost three years ago my mother kicked me out for a number of reasons. One of which was for being gay. She wanted me to transfer high schools and give up my phone and everything so that I'd never be able to talk to my girlfriend again. To put things into perspective I should explain my life up until the day that she kicked me out. We originally lived with my grandmother until my older sister had a baby and left him with us. A few years later she wanted him back, so me, him, and my mother moved a few thousand miles for them to be together. She ended up being engaged to a very abusive man, her being very abusive too. Together they brought out a side I never had seen of my mother before, one that did drugs, smoked and drank all the time. They all got into a fight and me and my mother ended up living in a hotel. She would send me out most days when she would have guys over, or would disappear for weeks on end, leaving me with no food or anything.
I came out as gay near the end of my freshman year of high school, right before we started living in a hotel, in a short transition period after the fight. and she seemed fine with it at first. Over the following year she would never let me see my girlfriend outside of school and I had to sneak around to see her, not hard to do since my mother was hardly ever there. My girlfriend helped me realize that I was severely depressed. I hadn't realized that me burning my arms and wanting to just fall asleep and never wake up again wasn't normal. I thought everything I was feeling was normal. So I tried making things better.
Me going to see a school councilor for help ended with the councilor calling my mother and then my mother calling me, telling me to get my stuff before she got back from work and to get out. This was the 4th day of my Junior year of high school. I ended up with a friend who soon became like a sister to me. My mother gave up all custody rights within the first month and I was told that she was to dangerous for me to talk to until I was 18. Now I'm 18. I still struggle with depression, insomnia, anxiety disorder, and sometimes slight paranoia. I'm engaged to my girlfriend of 4 years now and I'm generally pretty happy despite my occasional problems with my mental health… But I have a problem.
I don't know whether or not I want to see my mother again. She still send me the occasional happy birthday and merry Christmas messages on an old email that I stopped using after she kicked me out, but I haven't tried contacting her. Part of me is afraid to ever see her again. I don't love her anymore, and I know its cruel to say, but if I found out she was dead it wouldn't faze me. Our relationship was damaged to the point where I emotionally don't see her as my mother, just a monster hiding in the closet of my past. But I feel like I owe it to myself to face my fears and see her at least one more time. But I don't know. What do you all think?