I HATE my parents so much. I honestly wish that my mom will die soon. I blame her entirely for my lack of self esteem. Ever since I was little she has been pushing me so hard to get all As and Bs in school that she never thought about how I felt. If I get anything below an B I end up hyperventilating and crying hysterically while my mom yells at me talking about how HER feelings have been hurt, how I need to stop acting like there's something wrong with me, how she should be the one going to a psychologist because I'm driving her insane, how my suicidal thoughts mean nothing compared to what I put her through… I can't anymore… I can't deal with this. Then when she calms down she says sorry and tells me to talk about it but I just lie because the last time I told her what I really felt about her she freaked and started yelling again. Because apparently she's tired of being the bad guy in the house and continues to blame everything wrong with my life on me and my dad. I honestly can't tell if I hate her or I love her, because I still can't bring myself to fully hate her and that's worse because she smokes and I have to watch her waste her money and life away. Every time on the way home from therapy we always go to buy a new pack of cigarettes. My dad smokes too, not as often, but he does it. I'm just afraid that my parents are going to die… I love my dad more than anyone else in the world, he's the only one I can be myself with, but recently it feels like he trying to change me… every time I talk about something I like he always says I wish you did ______ more. He used to be the one I went to with all my problems with my mom, but now he says he doesn't want to do that anymore. Whenever I want to try and show him something i think is cool he always has some movie that he wants to finish watching. I feel more alone than ever. I have no one to talk to anymore. I feel like I should just give up already… I want to die… I wish someone would help me.