Well if anyone does read this, Hello, never done this before but tbh I am feeling like my life is so fucked up.
My life was probably great till the age of 7 when i found out my father who was 43 had stage 3 lung cancer. I was 7 years old so whats the big deal right? He's sick but he will get better. At the age of 8, i was over my friends house for a sleep over. My father is the one that let me go when my mom said no. Hearing the news over the phone fucking killed me. It was not suppose to happen this early leaving behind a wife, 3 daughters and his only son. Then more shit just started piling up to the point where i want no connection to anybody cause connections = getting emotionally hurt.
Fast forward 12 years, Its just my younger sister and mom living in the house. I feel like such a burden to my family especially to my mom. Being the only boy everyone allways told me i was the man of the house now. WTF Does that mean ! i dont think i will ever know cause i dont know what to be a man means. Being raised by a women and 3 sisters def didnt make me feel comfortable cause i had no one to connect with. Ive tried killing myself prob 4 times and still have suicidal thoughts. I always think, If i was not here how much better things would be for everyone else. They wouldnt have to worry bout me, they wouldnt have to deal with all the stupid shit i get into. LIFE WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTEr with out me so why am I here. Ive tried christianity like hardcore cause i grew up going to church but its just not for me. I feel crazy at times and whats even sadder i treat my friends better than i do to my own family. im just fucked up idk… fml I feel like i fucking blocked all my childhood memories but i didnt want that to happen cause i dont remember my childhood at all. And i dont know how to take that down so i just feel lost. Like i dont know who i am. My morals, thought process, views on things are completely fuckd up and are always changing. done ranting for now