why is it that in my heart i have so many emotions that are persistent on causing me pain, as if i'm the one who started this mess? my chest sometimes feels as if it's blaming me for being alive, as if i asked for this life. and after sessions of torment from my heart, my is clouded with thoughts that cause more pain. yet, whenever the ones that mean something to me arise, they always seem to vanish.
why is it that people know me for being loud and loving kpop, rather than a person who is proud of his heritage, his being, and his heart. why am i not the kind of person i want to be. why can i never get it right? i just want to be free and be like everyone else. i want to be what i want to be, yet impulsiveness says otherwise.
why is it that in my head, kim jonghyun loves me more than i love myself? why is it that in my head i laugh more with lee jinki than i do with people that i seem to care about? why is it that choi minho makes me feel handsome even though my mouth continues to point out the flaws in my face? why can lee taemin make the child in me bloom yet when i'm around other people the only thing blooming is the dust behind the cement wall i've set up? how come kim kibum can make me feel like my appearance is decent, yet the mirror has still to compliment me?
what is wrong with me….