I'm so tired. I'm tired of having time slip out of my hands while I try to ignore what bothers me only to increase my anxiety. I'm tired of hearing the same things and still be unable to react. I'm tired of accepting less than what I deserve and yet not changing the circumstances. Did I just get accustomed to being taken advantage of or am I just so desperate for these little bits of affection that I'll accept anything or is it both? I'm tired of being on the sidelines. I'm tired of feeling like I'm at a standstill or that I'm headed to nothing. I'm so tired of the self hatred. I'm tired of being told to love myself and hold my head high and stop feeling insecure. It's almost an impossible task when while growing up I only knew ridicule and criticism. What does it feel like to look in the mirror and be happy with what you see? What does it feel like to not feel like a burden? What does it feel like to have someone love you unconditionally and not question it? I just want to know what being ok feels like because I don't recall a time when I didn't feel out of place. I'm tired of pretending because sometimes faking it doesn't lead to anything other than feeling a gaping emptiness while I laugh after taking a third shot of tequila. I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I know that others have it worse. I do my best to focus on real world problems. It's just in the early hours in the morning when I should be sleeping that these thoughts drown me. I don't want to become poison. I don't want to be bitter. As much as I crave to be loved I don't think I would be healthy for anyone because I would still be emotionally wrecked deep inside. Sometimes old emotional scars bleed due to certain triggers and having someone else know that I'm constantly sad makes me feel pathetic and unworthy of love. I know I fluctuate but I don't know if I'm going to get better and I don't even know if I want to get better. Sometimes feeling pain is better than feeling nothing right? I just want to be able to let things go. It's just so difficult and it's barely Tuesday.