IT\'S SO FUCKING AGGRAVATING. i\'m completely accepting of other people\'s sexualities and shit and i\'ve always identified as \"a little gay\" but not enough to act on it, but this year it has been getting more intense. on christmas, my best friend told me she loved me, and i pretended it was all okay but i freaked the fuck out on the inside because that\'s what i do when someone i have a crush on returns their feelings for me. before she said anything about liking me, i was fine with unrequited love, okay??? i was just fine and dandy and honestly was just going to painfully live through all of the moments that i sorta wanted to kiss her but couldn\'t. BUT NOW WHAT THA FUCK DO I DO? my plans are soiled and i\'m not as straight as i was a couple years back…ugh. i never thought that i would have to go through the horrible process of questioning and then figuring it out and maybe coming out. but, whenever i finally get comfortable with the idea of being bi, i convince myself that my feelings don\'t exist or they\'re just a phase. i know i\'m in denial half of the time. i ignore it. i think about kissing her, and then literally think to myself, \"just stop thinking about that…it isn\'t a permanent thought, so just don\'t deal with it.\" i know it isn\'t healthy not to confront it and i know my family would be fine if i came out to them, but it isn\'t them, it\'s me. i don\'t want to say something that isn\'t final. three or four years ago, i never would\'ve thought that i would be bi, because i didn\'t think about it at all. what if, in a few more years, i\'m gayer than i am now???? i\'m not gay at all???? AJSF:LKJA:DLFKJD:FLKJSD:LFKJSDF i can\'t stop making excuses for this shit and i love my best friend and i wanna kiss her but it\'s in a different way than i like guys and UGHHHHHH WHAT THE HELL?! WHY DOES YOUR SEXUALITY CHANGE IN THE FIRST PLACE I WISH I WERE BORN LIKE THIS, IT WOULD\'VE BEEN WAY LESS CONFUSING. ugh…god damn it.
i don\'t wanna post two rants so i\'m just gonna rant down here on a second issue. ok so my mom died in january and it\'s sad and shit, already ranted about that a couple of days after it happened. but, just last week, my friend (fake name) danyne\'s mom just had a seizure last week and something really bad happened, i think, but none of our friend group is allowed to know. her mom had breast cancer, so it might\'ve been brain cancer. danyne hasn\'t been at school for a couple weeks and we\'re all worried that she\'ll have to drop out and do online school. it\'s so fucking scary, considering i just lost my mom and i don\'t want her to lose hers. i\'m constantly worrying about her. plus, right before her mom\'s seizure, she had a painful breakup with her boyfriend. i don\'t know if she has anyone that she can count on right now and i\'m super scared for her. i hope she\'s doing okay and i hope she comes back to school and her mom gets better. i know seizures usually don\'t affect people for more than a short amount of time, so i\'m really worried about this whole situation, considering the fact that she can\'t even go to school. plus, her mom is all she has. she\'s cut off from the rest of her family, and her dad gives her rides places, but she hates him. i just want to love her and make her feel better, but i don\'t want to make her uncomfortable by asking questions or going too far. i love her so much.
damn that was long but i\'m just so confused and worried and shit